Friday, March 28, 2014

How Do You Know You're Done Adopting?

Okay, that dreadful question of how do you know?  How do you know when you're done adopting?  Does it just happen automatically or is it some feeling that comes over you?  What in the world is it and how can you possibly know when you have so many orphans in the world?  So many questions and truly lots of different answers depending upon who you ask.  Umm, if you ask Warren, he will tell you we were done after Irina and Max.  LOL.  Actually, going from two working adults to two kids overnight was an adjustment.  I'm not going to lie.  Think that is why we waited almost four years before we decided to host again.  Just had got this feeling that maybe we should have more kids but didn't know if we were ready yet.  So, why not host a few.  Yeh, that will teach us!  Hosted three of them and adopted Yana and Alex.  while that adoption was dragging on in Russia, I was actually looking on the computer at more kids.  Shh.  That's how I found Bojan.  So I knew even before going to Russia that we were not done.  In addition, when we stood in Yana's orphanage with a group of girls in tears, we knew we'd go back for another one.  Especially, when Warren turned to me and said "so what 6 are we bringing home?"  I'm sure he blocked that part out.  LOL.  8 months later we were back in Serbia getting Bojan.  After seeing all the kids there, we knew we were not done yet.

But, I started advocating and thought we should settle for a bit.  And we did.  We added onto the house, got all the kids settled.  And while advocating, came across Alyona's picture and I knew we weren't done yet.  Sure enough, Alyona and Nik came home in 2006. Now, with all their extensive issues medically, we truly focused on that for awhile and not even thinking about other kids.  Yet, I don't think we ever said truly and with certainty, we were done.  Just had other things to think about.  Well, 2009 (end of it), we were told of a situation and even wrote  a dear birthmother letter overnight for a baby.  Obviously, not selected however, at that moment in time, we truly realized we probably weren't done growing our family.  That's when we started looking at some other countries and other kids available.  Contacted our agency and decided on Bulgaria.  Found a set of twins for a referral and Summer.  Declined referral of the twins and found Logan and Reni.  They came home in Nov. of 2011.  And after the plane ride home from you know where, we knew or thought we knew we were done.  Said we were getting too old for all this stuff.

So, my focus turned more toward advocating and helping others once they returned home.  And of course, getting our three newest settled.  Felt content but still wasn't quite saying done altogether yet wasn't looking for any kids whatsoever.  Then, that's when someone asked us to keep their child for respite and possibly adoption.  And this didn't happen once, but twice in 2013.  And of course Sofie is now officially adopted into our family as of October 2013.  Houseguest had to leave.

And that brings me to this topic again.  When houseguest was here, for the first time in our lives, our family felt 110% complete.  We were all content with our places in the family, everyone had someone, we were all happy (for the most part, this is real life people), and it just felt SO very right.  12 kids and we were happy, we were complete, we were done.  Had NO desire to look at photolistings, NO desire to inquire on any situations, referred all new situations to others, etc.  We looked at our family and were without a doubt complete as a family and done.  Houseguest was content being the youngest and having the other 2 stooges as very close sisters sharing everything together.  The bond they had was just inseparable and it truly was tragic and devastating to all when she left.  It felt like someone in our family had died.  But nothing we could do.

So, this brings me back to those pesty how do you know you're done questions again.  Are we done?  Before I could say without a doubt YES!  Today, I can honestly say I am not sure.  Like I said, last year both of us felt done.  No desire for more kids and our family felt right.  Was hard to explain but we simply knew we were done.  Now, for the past few months we have been grieving and mourning our loss.  And yes, it is indeed a loss.  The kids still ask from time to time if she is ever coming back.  That is hard.  Does that mean we just wanted to 'fill a void.'  No, not a chance.  Nothing would ever replace her.  Nothing.  Anyone who's gone through this type of experience and loss can tell you nothing will ever fill that void or replace it.  But we are starting to really move forward, feel different.  Yet, I thought we'd feel done again.  I don't.  In my gut, I feel someone is missing.  And who knows, maybe I'll always have that feeling.  I just can't say.  I can say I have looked here and there again.  Listening to situations that come about.  Not acting on anything.  Just observing at this point.  I do not know where this will lead if anywhere.  Probably lead me to being banned from the computer if Warren reads this. LOL.  Seriously though, I think each family knows when they are done.  They have a sense of completeness.  Of looking at other things like who will go to college and things of that nature.  At this point in time, we are done.  As of now.  Can I say without a doubt we are 110% done like before?  No.  Put it this way, we actually do have a current homestudy.  Will anything be done with it?  I can't answer that.  All I can say is we go with the flow here.  Right now, we are concentrating on moving, kids graduating high school, kids' sports, getting Nik and Sofie talking and much, much more.  I will say IF, and big if here, the right situation would arise, we may be interested. I think each family knows when to say when.  I really do. I don't think there's any magic to it.  In your heart, you just know what feels right.  And in your wallet to be honest.  Remember, these kids still have to eat and go to school.  And many teens can eat more than you can ever imagine.  Be honest with yourself as to when to say when.  But in your heart, I think everyone knows when there family is it.  When you are done forming your forever family and it truly becomes your family with no add ons and it is truly forever. 

1 comment:

  1. It's a heart wrenching decision, and I think it changes depending on the day. I am sure that you want to help as many kids as you can. I hope that whatever your choice, your family is happy :)