Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I'd give anything for just one more night

I sit here typing teary eyed.  Already teary eyed and it hasn't even happened yet.  I know I haven't shared a whole lot of our situation.  And, still can't share it all.  What I can tell you, is that there are many hearts in agony tonight.  For tomorrow, we must say goodbye to something near and dear to our hearts.  We have to say goodbye to one of our Littles.  It is something we have not chosen to do nor do we have any desire whatsoever to do.  It is out of our control.  She has been here for quite some time and obviously bonds have been formed.  Deep attached bonds.  Breaking them will be like breaking cement. I am dreading tomorrow.  I will have a handful of emotionally distraught children.  Those who have asked if you can do something, I will at this point take any help I can get for I have seen already how this will be tomorrow.  Tonight has already taken a toll on them and she hasn't even left yet.  I have children begging me for just one more night.  All the time in my head thinking I myself would give anything too for just one more night.  One more night of baths.  One more night of kisses.  One more night of hugs.  One more night of story time.  One more night of little girls laughing together.  Anything for just one more night.

I will write much more in detail in a few days when my head is a little clearer and not so scatterbrained.  The knots in my stomach are horrible.  The tears I'm holding back.  Don't want the kids to fall apart any more than they already are.  This is hard.  I mean really, really hard.  Maybe this is our wake up call.  To treasure every moment we have with our children.  Not that we don't do that already but it will have much different meaning now with every book read, every kiss good night, every phone call to daddy, every hug, everything.  Everything will take on new meaning.  I know that it will.  It most definitely will not take away the hurt though of a loss of this magnitude. 

Put it this way.  Next week is our vacation.  Our big vacation.  Usually by this time, the kids are packed.  Counting down the days, the hours.  However, since they found out she is leaving and not going with us on vacation, they are just devastated.  They have not even asked once any more about our vacation next week.  No bags out.  Nothing.  Today, I tried to engage them by at least getting the RV bathroom stocked up.  They started to get excited.  Reni looked at the couch and said oh, Summer, Little One, and House guest will sit here!  Oh wait, she won't be here any more.  And she left the RV.  More about the RV situation later too.  Anyhow, hoping to get them pumped up again in the next few days.  They'll need the break after tomorrow.  They will.  They will need to laugh again.  We've had enough tears already and it hasn't even happened yet.  I have never dreaded a day so much in my life.  But here we are. 

We have given nothing but unconditional love these past few months.  We hope she takes that with her in her heart.  We know we will carry on.  But we also know we will never ever be the same.  All we can do now is pray for a peace beyond our understanding.  This transition will be hard.  A dear friend has offered to come over tomorrow afternoon to help me out.  Another group of ladies wants Warren and I to get away for a few hours while they stay at the house with the kids.  At this point, not sure if it will be better to stay with them or get away from them .  Remember, I have 7 with FAS.  We are not kidding ourselves with the magnitude of what is about to transpire.  This will by far be the hardest thing we've ever had to do. 

So, it may be a day or two or three or whatever before I post again.  We will be in a healing phase for the next few days, weeks, months, etc.  However long it takes.  If  you are local and see us or the kids, please be understanding.  Some may shut down and not want to talk much.  Some may be angry.  Some may cry.  Just know it is not directed at any of you.  They will need time to grieve in their own way.  If any of you could, say a little prayer for us tomorrow and the next few days.  Send good vibes our way.  Good thoughts.  anything.  I even have a son questioning prayer.  Prayer never works he said.  I prayed for her to stay.  We sat there trying to explain further.  They are hurting right now.  It is raw emotion coming out.  Hurt.  I know many in the adoption community understand that.  So if you don't mind, pray for peace and understanding for us and the kids during this time of transition.  Thank you. 

3 comments:

  1. Not sure of the whole situation but I know you and the little have bonded and whatever the situation is that is taking her away will hopefully be a good idea. Seems like not removing so much would be in her best interest.
    Prayers for all of you!
    pat

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