Sunday, September 23, 2012

Returning your kid???

This is a topic that has been flying around for quite some time now.  Here's a link to what I'm talking about:   The link.  Many have thought to themselves how can anyone return their own child?  Send them back like it is Target or Walmart.  How?  When does the child become "property" and not a human being.  Before you all agree, I think I need to add some more stuff on here and you may change your tune.

First off, I want to say I am NOT in any way shape or form for what has transpired here.  I am however, going to share my thoughts on the why I think this happened.  And  once again, these are MY opinions and thoughts.  If you don't agree, that is perfectly okay with me.  I'm not even sure how to start this off.  Many times when people adopt, they are not fully aware of what older kids are taught.  Or how manipulative they can be when around others.  I've adopted all older kids.  I think I have a right to speak on the topic here.  And yes, I will finish that older kid adoption post b/c this ties into that.

When adopting older kids, I truly think agencies need to 'brace' the clients more.  The online classes are crap.  Sorry people who put those out there but they are.  It is NOT the same reading it on paper as it is in real life.  Here is my thought and I tell various agencies this every time I get the chance.  You need a "buddy" system for new adopters.  Period.  Especially, if it is an older child adoption.  Reading it online is not the same as living it 24/7.  Originally, my plan was to document this last set of adoptions.  Geez, guess I'll have to do it next time.  (Quick, someone check on Warren!  LOL).  Seriously though, I wished I'd have documented the first month home.  It is the transition month for everyone.  It is hard.  Very, very hard.  Shoot, the first night home this past time I was just spent.  I was sick and tired of Logan and his antics.  I was tired of Reni's whining.  I was just plain tired.  We knew what to expect.  We did.  Does that make it any easier whatsoever?  Absolutely NOT!  I feel strongly that a family adopting for the first time, especially an older child, needs to be hooked up with a family that has been through it before.  They know the ins and outs b/c they lived it.  And survived it.

Now, this lady that returned her child I feel was dealing w/ more than just behavioral issues.  I have heard from various sources and people closer to this situation than I that there is WAY more to this story than is being reported.  Typically, that is the case.  Just the way it goes unfortunately.  And why oh why is the media not taking the chance to talk about FAS and RAD during this time?  I feel this lady was not quite prepared to parent a child with issues. Again, just my opinion.  Most people aren't. We weren't!  Our first adoption of Max and Irina was  a nightmare when we first arrived home.  We felt abandoned.  No one called to check on us.  I was on maternity leave so I was home with them.  Trust me, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  No one told me my 6yo and my 4yo would be acting developmentally around 1 to 2yo's.  I was dumbfounded.  That's not what I heard!  I heard all the rosy adoption stories.  I did NOT ever here the struggles back then.  No one told me any of it.  It wasn't just the language barrier either.  It was much more than that.  So much more. 

So, when folks say how could they return their kid or disrupt, don't be so quick to judge till you've walked in their shoes.  I have been beaten, kicked, spat on, glasses broken, called nasty, nasty names, been threatened to be killed all by my own children.  Yes indeed.  But NO ONE will tell you that side of it.  I will.  I will do an older child adoption post and what to expect.  Just I started this one and wanted to at least half finish it.  The struggles of RAD and FAS are not for the faint of heart. Some of these children thrive in other families.  Kind of like a fresh start w/ no strings attached.  See, many times when first home, the RAD or FAS child will blame everything on the mother.  Sky is cloudy today.  Somehow, it's mom's fault. 

Bottom line is some kids are not going to do well w/ the original family. it's just fact.  it's not wrong.  It's just fact.  It is overwhelming for new families at times to understand all this.  It took us years to get to where we are.  Where FAS or RAD doesn't rule our lives.  We are in charge.  I understand why things can get to the point where some families feel there is no other hope.  Do I agree w/ someone sending their kid across the ocean to accomplish this?  No.  Not a bit.  I will do a post on older child adoption in the near future and what to expect.  I first need to finish all these other posts I started though.  Just wanted people to know that these are near impossible decisions that some families must make. I do not envy them one bit and hope to help more w/ situations like this in the future.  Maybe someone can learn from our mistakes or successes.  One last thing.  If you are finding yourself in this type of situation of either regret of adoption or not knowing how to handle a child w/ more mental health issues than originally thought, please, please reach out to others for help.  Many CAN and WANT to help.  Ask for guidance.  It is not a bad thing to ask for help so you can better serve your child's needs and your family's needs. 

1 comment: