Sunday, May 27, 2012

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder what the birth mothers must think on this day...Mother's Day?  I do.  I know it had to have been heart wrenching for some, easy for others.  It is hard sometimes as an adoptive mother to know what to think sometimes in regards to birth mothers.  I have very mixed emotions on days like this.  It is difficult at best sometimes b/c you always wonder.  What were they thinking?  do they still wonder about their children and what happened to them?  Lately, it's been hitting me about Summer in particular.  She lived her first few years in Pleven before she was transferred.  This orphanage has even made the Bulgarian papers so I know the birth mother must know.  Does she wonder if any harm came to her child while there?  Does she wonder if she made the right choice?  Does she wonder how she is now?  I would love to scream from across the ocean "she's safe, healthy and very well loved."  All I can do instead is send post placements.

I want them to have peace of mind though.  I do.  Some of my kids circumstances are such that I would never even initiate or attempt contact.  But some of my kids I think would do well w/ knowing.  I know for a fact, some of them did indeed care and made the hardest decisions of their lives not to be a parent that day they brought them to the orphanage.  There are birth parent searches for foreign countries.  I know Russia has them and their services are utilized often.  I know some parents have even found their childrens' parents on Facebook.  I don't think I could go that route.  Bulgaria also has searchers.  I've never used one before for any country.  Have thought about it very, very often though.  Especially since the kids are getting older.  Girls when they reach teen hood ask a billion questions and it's hard not even being able to answer a one of them.

It's a hard call for adoptive parents to know what to do.  For us, I do know we'd like to search one day.  For those wondering, it is not cheap to do this.  I think the last time I checked it was around $400 to start things.  Much of it depends upon how many you can get together to go to one particular region.  A group of families together is always less than one family searching.  That way, the searcher can go once yet do multiple searches.  Been thinking long and hard about this.  Once some of our other major things are done, I do believe we may go forward w/ some searches for some of the kids.  I liked being in touch w/ one of my kids' birth mothers.  She sends pictures, I send pictures.  It's only been via email communications.  However, I am grateful both of us are so open to contact.  And it has not had one single negative effect on my child.  I know many adoptive parents are worried about that part.  It's natural.  I used to be worried too.  Not any more.  When kids reach a certain age, they understand much more of this complicated relationship.  

Just thought I'd share.  We would like to do a birth parent search for some of our kids in the future.  Some have asked.  I know some we may find answers for and some nothing will turn up.  Either way, it's okay.  It would be interesting to find out more history.  Some of them do have siblings still over there.  Nik has 2 sibs stateside and 3 sibs in Russia.  Alyona has 2 in Russia. Yana has 1.  Irina's are unknown.  Max has 3 sibs in Russia.  Alex has at least one in Russia.  Reni and Logan have 9 in Bulgaria.  Bojan has 2 sibs in Serbia.  So as  you can see, we may end up w/ a rather larger family tree.  This is a topic you have to tread lightly on w/ your kids.  You will know when they are ready.  Hence, why we would not do it for all our kids.  Just the ones that may be ready.  All my kids have requested they go back and visit their homeland.  All of them have made it clear to us it is just a vacation and none of them want to stay.  In other words, this is their family here and they are comfortable at home.  This is very important in my opinion when considering one of these birth parent/ sibling searches.  I know this is something that is very, very personal to each and every family.  I also realize it is not something everyone will do when they adopt.  Time will tell what comes of our searches when we decide to go ahead and do it.  just thought I'd share my thoughts on it.  I would love to hear from some of you that may have actually done one of the Russia searches. 

1 comment:

  1. I thought I was the only one who thought things like that! The boys were given up at birth...K was with her birth mom for two ish years before the orphanage. We adopted her two weeks past her fourth birthday and we have brought K's mother pictures the two times we have been back. Our wish is to go back and let the kids see where they came from. S and K are all for it! J wants NOTHING to do with it...we'll see what happens in the next year or so.