Thursday, April 19, 2012

When it's not so rosy

When it's not so rosy, what do you do?  I honestly can not write on this blog and not talk about tough times we experience.  It wouldn't be honest.  And frankly, all families go through rough patches here and there.  They're lying if they tell you they don't.  Just my opinion.  Anyhow, today has been one of those days.  One that makes you question why you're parenting at all.  Here goes nothing.

Alex and Logan are closer than close.  That is good in some ways, bad in others.  As I've said in the past, Logan did NOT have a stellar reputation where he was from.  He was a bully. I will not sugar coat it.  And, in the beginning, he was proud of this and all that he'd done in his young life over there.  However, he was in for a big change once home w/ a family.  It was a 180!  Awesome transformation to witness.  However, now we have an issue.  Alex.  Alex has slowly gone downhill a bit in behavior.  This is something that his new brother really did not need to see.  They feed off each other so to speak.  Today was the breaking point. 

Okay, the boys walk the dogs during Nik's speech therapy.  They walk Alaska.  The smaller dog.  Well, today they did not want Reni to go w/ them.  Radar went off.  I knew something was up with that.  Took Reni, Summer and Kota for a walk while Nik was here w/ his therapist.  We were actually trying something new to see if Nik would answer if I was NOT here at all.  Sure enough, he did.  Usually he seeks me out to answer for him even though I don't.  So, I left and got an ear full.  See, we've been working with Reni NOT to be a 'Cindy Brady.'  She is the worst tattle tale we've ever had.  The worst.  The other day I yelled and said unless there is blood or someone is hurt very badly, I do not want to hear it.  Today, she said you want me say if it's bad thing, right.  I said yes.  That's when she let it all spill out.  What the con artists have been doing all this time when walking the dogs.  Let's go back. 

A few weeks ago, neighbor came up and informed us our son had let their dog out of the gate to play w/ our dogs.  I said sorry about that but Nik doesn't usually go w/ them.  I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.  He said no, they've done this 3 times before!  URGHH!!!!  Nik does NOT go w/ them.  Meaning this was Logan and Alex letting the dog out to play w/ our dog.  URGHHH!!!!  Told them never to go in anyone's yard or touch anyone's property.  They are to stay on the road.  Period.  Thought that was pretty dog gone clear. 

Today, after Reni told me what they'd been doing (I'll get to it in a minute), I went home w/ them and speech therapist was just finishing.  Loaded up Reni, Summer and Nik and went in the van.  Turned the corner and caught them red-handed.  I was trying to remain calm.  Why?  Because my two sons were trespassing in a neighbor's yard playing soccer in their yard.  While they pawned off Alaska to Alyona w/ one arm that works.  Remember, Alyona is rather weak to begin with. Hence, why she is not allowed to walk the dogs.  They con the girls into walking the dogs.  Found out later that Alyona was going to walk home w/ Alaska but the boys would not let her. URGHH!!!  When I picked them up, I swear I could have spit fire I was so angry.  Boiling.  Just could not believe the downright irresponsibility, disrespect, and countless other things my two sons had just done. 

Told them they were officially in prison camp.  Haven't done a prison camp in this house for years.  Guess it was high time.  Essentially, they are prisoners.  They want to act like it, they will be treated as such.  Again, this grounding is for extreme, extreme cases in our house.  So, sent those two outside to pick up sticks in the yard.  Max and I checked on them every once in awhile.  Found them sitting.  Went outside to play warden.  Came back in.  Bojan got home.  Around 3:20 or so.  Irina came home at 3:40/ 3:45.  She said they weren't outside.  So, we go on a hunt for the boys.  Nowhere to be seen.  Max and I went out looking.  I called someone else to pick up Yana from track.  Kids were looking inside.  Called Warren and he came home from work to search.  When Yana got home, she took Kota.  Found the boys....on their bikes!  She took the bikes away from them w/ the help of her friend.  Called to let me know.  I called Warren to say we found them.  By this time, steam was coming from my ears, I'm almost sure of it.  What galled at me was when they arrive home, have a smug look on their faces and really didn't care what all they had just done.  Unreal. 

They are beyond grounded now.  No tv, no electronics, no playing, no soccer, no no church clubs, no nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Behavior was appalling but the fact that they did not care what they had done and what pain they had caused everyone else was truly the most upsetting part.  Max laid into them as well as many other of their sibs saying how they wasted their time and now had no dinner.  Yeh, dinner got sidetracked.  Warren had to pick something up.  Keep in mind, we don't really go out to eat or pick up fast food.  Kids were not happy b/c I had planned to make baked meatballs and it's their favorite.  So, glad they actually told how they felt to Logan and Alex.  I know boys will do dumb things.  I get that.  I know mine have and will in the future too.  However, I will not have them be rude or disrespectful or anything else for that matter.  Warren and I felt this went way too far.  The fact that they blatantly went on a bike ride while punished sent a huge message to us.  So, need to make sure they get this one.  I hope this time it sinks in.  We are unsure of just how long they're grounded right now. 

With so many of ours having behavioral issues and mental health issues, some times there are gray areas as to what punishment do you give someone who really doesn't understand the why of it all.  However, if you want them to grow up in society and function normally in society, they must understand there are consequences.  For our family, we've never used their disability as an excuse for their behavior.  And frankly, there hasn't been a whole lot of trouble other than some normal petty kid stuff.  This today was more though and we felt had to be nipped in the bud before it was allowed to develop. They must understand there are consequences for their actions.  Though we hate to do it, b/c truly the punishment is a royal pain for us to do, it needs to be done.  Actions speak louder than words.  Hoping this will sink in for these boys. I really do.  Otherwise, we'll have much more work cut out for us. 

I shared b/c I don't want others to think that life with our kids is all roses.  It's not.  We too have ups and downs just like every other family out there.  We try to teach our children well.  To do the right thing.  The boys are only 11 yo right now.  I feel they can change things around for sure.  Otherwise, this is going to be a long year.  What I will say was positive about today was that the other kids stepped right up to the plate to help me out.  They also stepped up to the plate in explaining to Alex and Logan just how wrong they were & how much it affected other people.  I was listening to them talk to their brothers and was actually shocked proud it came out of their mouths.  The teens are definitely growing up.  There will be more pictures, better posts but I think sometimes reality posts are important too.  I have met some adoptive parents who think different in disciplining their kids.  Other adoptive parents of FASers who say the kids can't learn right from wrong due to no cause and effect thinking.  I don't believe that.  They all have the ability to learn in some capacity.  Just find what works. 

So, there is my not so rosy post.  And as we always say in this house  " with every new day, there's fresh hope."  Here's hoping!

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