Wednesday, April 25, 2012

How do you feel about....

not ever having a baby?  I obviously get this question from time to time along w/ fellow adoptive parents I know.  Now that I have older kids and I've been parenting for over 12 years now, I think I can answer this one more sanely than I previously would have.

I"ll be honest here.  It is a crushing blow when you face infertility issues and question why.  Why to doctors?  Why to God?  Why to yourself?  Why am I not worthy enough to have the precious gift of a child.  Of a baby.  All I ever wanted was a baby girl.  Funny thing is, I didn't even want a baby, baby.  I wanted a 2yo little girl.  See, once we decided to adopt, that was what I had envisioned for our family.  Yes, I had wanted a baby but knew going international, that wasn't really a possibility.  I know everyone comments on the terrible two's.  But for me, it is an age I've always loved.  They are so teachable at that age and so cuddly.  Just always had thought that was what was in the plans for us.  Orphanage kids are usually all delayed so I knew it was more like a baby anyhow.  Did we ever adopt a 2yo?  No.  Not yet! (had to put that one in there so Warren could pass out on the floor. LOL).  Our kids at time of adoption were 3, 4, 4, 4, 6, 6.5, 7, 8.5, 9, and 11.  No real little toddler in sight though most my 3 & 4yo's were toddlers.  The 4yo boys were in size 18 month clothing when they got home.  But, they grow out of it like a weed.

Each time we went into adoption, we'd say youngest as possible.  Yet each and every time, we'd see another child, a little older, and know that they were meant to be ours.  Despite our deep desires to parent younger children.  And, this is okay.  There is nothing wrong w/ adopting older kids.  Nothing at all.  You see many, many firsts.  Many.  I've dealt with high chairs, strollers, diapers and the like.  Not like I missed out on those things. LOL.  Not that lucky to miss out on diapers.  And, I've regressed some of my kids when they first come home.  Helps with attachment and things.  But in the back of my mind, it has always been there...the desire to have a little one running around.  You'd think after watching 4 tots (2- 2yo's and 2- 3yo's) that I would have gotten my fill.  Nope.  Trouble is, if someone came today and said do you want to adopt a 2yo?  I'd have to say yes.  Not quite sure I'd give up on the dream but the dream will have to take another turn.  It will eventually have to be grandchildren that I'll have to dream of.  YEARS out mind you.  I'm not that old!  Right now, I can't picture my kids having kids but I know in the future that will happen.  For some. Not all.  Shoot, one wants to live by himself w/ 30 cats.  He says he'll just date girl friends.  I told him not w/ 30 cats. LOL. 

Anyhow, it has come time to probably accept that I will never live out the dream of adopting a young one.  It hurts still but I'm coming to terms with it better than years past.  And you never know what the future brings you.  I do know this.  We were meant to parent the kids we have.  All the kids, all the issues, all the medical stuff, it was meant for us.   I know we're not the norm in America and that's okay.  Shoot, we're not the norm in the adoption community.  Most folks run for the hills when they hear FAS.  Many disruptions happen b/c of this disorder or b/c of RAD.  Both of which we have at this home.  But it is our comfort zone, our normal.  And though I never got my 2yo little girl, I did get 10 kids who we are parenting to the best of our abilities.  It's not the dream that started out for us but it's the dream that has come true.  And being that Summer is on a 2yo level for everything, I guess I'm doing alright.  Just sometimes  you ponder just a little one....just ONE time.  Please.  However, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.  Adoption teaches you to accept things out of your control.  Adoption is such a journey.  So many things you never thought you'd learn along the way.  Patience, trust, letting go, love and so much more.  We are comfortable right now with our family.  Dreaming of places we want to take everyone to.  I know some things are out of reach just due to the expense of a family this size.  Yet, I know many adventures await us.  This family growing older in years but also in love.  So, if any of you ever need a babysitter for say a 2 or 3yo, I'm here!  That will have to do it I suppose.  Guess what prompted all this was the high chair we discovered in the junk closet today.  Forgot it was there.  I can't say the desire to have a young one will ever go away. I can say that it can be redirected.  I can tell you this, in the future I will most definitely have the most spoiled grandchildren ever.  So those new to adoption wanting an infant or a young one, don't worry about it.  What's meant to be always seems to find a way.  It might not be the path we thought we were supposed to be on, but it may just be the path you're destined to take. 


  1. Stephanie, maybe you can renew the link to Summer's photo with every new post? The photo again was moved somewhere.

  2. I appreciate your honesty of this post. We've just started growing our family by adoption, and I have hope for a baby someday, but your statement was SO true: "Adoption teaches you to accept things out of your control." We'll have to see what God has in store for us!

    Until then, I'll keep loving on my five-year-old who has just discovered fake crying and fit-throwing. Sound like a two-year-old to anyone else?! :)