Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm supposed to be....

Today is April 12th.  I was supposed to be on a plane today headed to Sofia.  I was going to arrive April 13th.

I'm supposed to be on a plane today.
I'm supposed to be feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety.
I'm supposed to be thinking of my 3 kiddos nonstop as I sit in the seat.
I'm supposed to be missing my other 7 at home already. 
I'm supposed to be thinking of all the things I'm going to say to my new kids.
I'm supposed to be smiling non-stop.
I'm supposed to be clutching onto the toys I'm going to give them.
I'm supposed to be practicing my Bulgarian.
I'm supposed to be worrying about if I packed my toothbrush.
I'm supposed to be staring at their pictures over & over again.
I'm supposed to be ready to start the next chapter of our lives. 

Yes, I'm supposed to be doing so much more than I am today.  I'm hurt by it all.  Hurt by our situation and how it all came about.  Ready for truth to prevail.  Which, btw, was supposed to be around March 24th.  I know there is a reason for everything. I do.  Just hard to accept when you are so very ready to complete your family and take that journey across the ocean.  Is it odd to miss the kids you haven't even met yet?  I felt the same way when I was waiting to see Alyona.  Couldn't understand the delays.  However, had we traveled when we were supposed to to meet her in June, we would have never met Nik and never adopted him.  We met her and Nik in October.  So though we were "supposed" to be there in June, years later, I'm thrilled that I wasn't where I was "supposed" to be.  I'm praying it is the same thing today.  That I will look back a few months from now and be very excited that I was not where I was supposed to be.  We are praying our situation will be tied up SOON.  The wait is very draining on mind, body & soul.  So today, though Max is home sick, I'm watching 4 "littles, I have yet to buy eggs for Nik's class that I was supposed to get Friday, I still feel I am right where I'm supposed to be for this moment in time.  Does not for one instant take away the hurt I feel today for wanting to be on that plane.  Pray for a quick resolution to our situation so that we may get to travel.  Our travel dates will be re-issued as soon as this situation is cleared up.  We can do nothing on our end but wait.  And, as most of you are aware, I am the most impatient waiter alive.  I'm learning my lesson for sure.  Need to go.  Kids are loving Alyona's new room.  Me too.  Can't wait to share with you all the generosity of folks that came this past weekend.  More to come.  For now, back to imaginative play, making sure Max is okay, and trying to do everything in the world to keep my mind off Logan, 'R', and Summer.


  1. I'm sorry things haven't been resolved yet...and that your trip can't yet be scheduled. Prayers for endurance as you wait through this. God will prevail over all this! Blessings, Jennifer

  2. Oh I hate things haven't been resolved as of yet ... keep the faith, they will be soon! Praying for you all!

    I know how you feel about the waiting game on the adoption. I think you are a little closer to your goal than we are but the waiting is killing me! Not my strong suit either, sister! Can't wait to finally meet you one day and share a big hug!

    Love, love, love your blog!