Sunday, December 19, 2010

Oceans apart, a birthday missed

I know I can't give exact dates yet, but I have a little girl across the ocean who is celebrating a birthday some time this week.  Will anyone sing to her?  Will anyone give her a present?  Will anyone give her a cake?  Will anyone make this her most special day?  Doubtful.  It's hard.  I'll be honest here so bare w/ me as I know many other adoptive parents feel the same exact way.  Many not in the adoption community ask how on earth can you love someone you've never met?  I think birthparents love their child as soon as they find out they're pregnant.  Same thing here.  You commit to a child and will do everything in your power to have your child come home as soon as possible.  You love that child with all your heart & soul despite never meeting them. 

I'll give you an example w/ Alyona.  Alyona was online.  Just a photo I saw & that was it.  I was hooked.  I felt grief when I saw a 'hold' status by her name.  Even more grief when I called & was told she had a family.  I felt like I had lost MY child that I had never even met.  But, I dealt with that loss and moved on.  Only to find a few months later her status was lifted & she was free & clear for adoption once again.  Right now, she's upstairs giving me a headache by practicing her recorder.  She is my daughter.  I love her.  I love her just as much now as I did when I first saw that picture of her and just knew she was mine.  It's a gut instinct you have as an adoptive parent.  Somehow, you just know which child is yours.  I have seen hundreds of pictures over the years of children available for adoption & files of medicals due to advocacy work.  Yet, each & every time I knew exactly which children were mine.  I saw Alex's picture but was told someone else was hosting him.  Again, that feeling of loss.  2 days before they came, I was informed the other family dropped out & that I could host him.  He was MY son. 

Knowing which child is yours helps with that bonding I feel.  I truly want to see my daughter.  Yes, a daughter I've never even met yet but has grown in my heart.  I know as much as I can about her w/out even meeting her.  So today, is hard.  I've been thinking about her lately.  A lot.  I can't imagine celebrating a birthday without her.  I want to be the one wishing her Happy Birthday first thing in the morning.  I want to be the one making her cake.  I want to be the one to see the smile on her face when she opens her first present. I want to be her mom.  Plain and simple.  I hate being oceans away. 

So, how can you fall in love with a picture or video many ask us adoptive parents?  I ask those same birth parents how they can fall in love with the ultrasound picture.  You just do.  It's instinct.  You know your child.  You love your child unconditionally.  I know this won't matter in the grand scheme of things when she's here permanently for years and years.  But for now, I am just beyond ready to go and get on the plane.  Very ready.  Adoption teaches you more patience then you will ever want to learn.  Trust me, I didn't want to have this much patience as a parent.  I didn't mind being an impatient parent.  LOL.  In adoption though, you learn to wait.  Makes those waits in restaurants or amusement fair ride lines seem like nothing.  For now, I wait.  That's all I can do.  That and send kisses in the wind to her.  She is my daughter through and through.  I know it.  Whether you think I'm crazy or not.  Sometimes a crazy kind of love is the best kind.  So, you can call me crazy.  I love someone I've never even met before. 

Need to get going.  Yana & Irina have youth group tonight w/ a gift exchange.  I'm making two cakes for it.  Hopefully, have time to decorate them as well.  This coming week is obviously busy.  The week before Christmas.  And yes, my kids have been counting them down.  Have a wonderful weekend.  More to come this week.  Immigration...URGHH!!!  Tell you tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get it! I don't have my referral yet, but I keep thinking is my child going to have a Christmas this year. Will she have someone to read her the Christmas story or wrap the perfect gift for her. How will she spend her Christmas? It is really hard to think about at times. And yes I love her even though I haven't yet seen her face or met her.